Lately, I notice that AS tends to complain whenever I call him or ask him to do something.
I just reminded him beforehand that after watching a particular t.v. show he should then go to bed right after. Reminders prepare him of what to expect rather than receiving an absolute command in "shock". Nevertheless, I would still likely hear whines, excuses and whatnots from him. I would then find myself lecturing him about complaining and being grateful.
While preparing his bedtime milk, I got the chance to ask him what he feels about me, his dad and his 1-yr old brother SC. He said he doesn't like SC and that he is "sick" (the term he used) of him. He also expressed that he feels I don't love him anymore or that I love SC more. He goes on to say that I am always taking care of SC.. He said he catches us doting on SC only and not him.. that I used to play with him before but not anymore. That time, I was trying so hard in containing myself from interrupting. I wanted to defend myself.
He continued on saying that I spank him too hard. He feels exasperated whenever I tell him to "do this, do that" (nag). He also compared me with his dad; that DS takes him out to movies, brings him to work, while I, do not spend time with him daw. SIGH!
I remember the line Vilma Santos said in her movie "ANAK": “Bakit pag ang lalake ang nagbigay ng damit, pagkain sasabihin ng mga tao “Aba mabuti siyang ama” pero pag ang babae, kasama na pati pusot kaluluwa hindi pa rin sapat.”
With that, I would like to commend my husband for his intentional efforts in spending time with AS. Yay!
Going back, I asked him if he loves his brother. He said no. (his perception during that emotional state)
I reminded him that he was the one who wished and prayed to God for a baby brother. (His frustration was that SC was too small to be his playmate)
I asked him, "So what are we going to do? Do you want to give him away?" (I realized I answered my own question very inappropriately, quite sarcastically. My mistake. )
Too smart, he replied : "Will you really do what I will answer?
I was caught in my own trap.
I explained to him that what he is thinking about me not loving him anymore is not true. I also apologized if he felt that way and explained that I am just one person and there are three of them who each needs attention. I also thanked him for his openness and honesty in telling me all these things.
It is becoming quite a challenge to maintain peace between brothers with a five-year age gap. AS is a very active boy, who is big with his movements. He is an extrovert who loves meeting people and is not scared to be left off by himself. SC on the other hand is rather observant, contented in tinkering with objects, attentive to details. He is sensitive to people and environment. So when AS would bear hug his brother, the other would cry in agitation, squirming his way out. Both are frustrated. By instinct (or by habit?) I would react by protecting the weaker sibling... a recipe for jealousy!
They have different needs, different interests. The challenge lies in how we as parents would embrace their differences and find balance.
Things I realized:
1. AS (and even little SC) catches on what we do and not what we teach. Unknowingly or unconsciously, he probably hears us complain too.
2. Change. If I want to change somebody, I should start by changing myself. This is one of the things I learned during our recent Holy Week Family Camp. God is our hope for change; He can transform lives; just as He alone can wash away our sins, forgive us and make us new. How can I do this? Through prayer, and lots of it.
3. Set one on one dates with my sons (and spouse) depending on their interests. Quality time doesn't mean being in one room together yet doing things individually. While they are still young and have different needs, this is something we can do for the meantime. In this way, each of the boys will feel special and loved equally. Of course, this does not mean we cannot do other things as a family.
4. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. James 1:19 I should learn not to react quickly to every squabble. Yes, being the mom-referee is not easy.
After all these, I must say that PRAYER is the key to keep our family from falling apart.
Before going to bed, I led him to the crib where SC was sleeping. I asked him to look at his brother for a few minutes. I asked him: "Do you love your brother?"
SC: "I love him!"
