Sibling Rivalry

Last night I had a rather serious conversation with my 6-yr old son AS.

Lately, I notice that AS tends to complain whenever I call him or ask him to do something.

I just reminded him beforehand that after watching a particular t.v. show he should then go to bed right after.  Reminders prepare him of what to expect rather than receiving an absolute command in "shock".  Nevertheless, I would still likely hear whines, excuses and whatnots from him.  I would then find myself lecturing him about complaining and being grateful.

While preparing his bedtime milk, I got the chance to ask him what he feels about me, his dad and his 1-yr old brother SC.  He said he doesn't like SC and that he is "sick" (the term he used) of him.  He also expressed that he feels I don't love him anymore or that I love SC more. He goes on to say that I am always taking care of SC..  He said he catches us doting on SC only and not him.. that I used to play with him before but not anymore.  That time, I was trying so hard in containing myself from interrupting. I wanted to defend myself.

He continued on saying that I spank him too hard.  He feels exasperated whenever I tell him to "do this, do that" (nag).  He also compared me with his dad; that DS takes him out to movies, brings him to work, while I, do not spend time with him daw.  SIGH!

I remember the line Vilma Santos said in her movie "ANAK":    “Bakit pag ang lalake ang nagbigay ng damit, pagkain sasabihin ng mga tao “Aba mabuti siyang ama” pero pag ang babae, kasama na pati pusot kaluluwa hindi pa rin sapat.”

With that, I would like to commend my husband for his intentional efforts in spending time with AS. Yay!

Going back, I asked him if he loves his brother.  He said no.  (his perception during that emotional state)
I reminded him that he was the one who wished and prayed to God for a baby brother.  (His frustration was that SC was too small to be his playmate)
I asked him, "So what are we going to do? Do you want to give him away?" (I realized I answered my own question very inappropriately, quite sarcastically.  My mistake. )
Too smart, he replied : "Will you really do what I will answer?
I was caught in my own trap.

I explained to him that what he is thinking about me not loving him anymore is not true.  I also apologized if he felt that way and explained that I am just one person and there are three of them who each needs attention.  I also thanked him for his openness and honesty in telling me all these things.

It is becoming quite a challenge to maintain peace between brothers with a five-year age gap.  AS is a very active boy, who is big with his movements.  He is an extrovert who loves meeting people and is not scared to be left off by himself.  SC on the other hand is rather observant, contented in tinkering with objects, attentive to details.  He is sensitive to people and environment.  So when AS would bear hug his brother, the other would cry in agitation, squirming his way out.  Both are frustrated.  By instinct (or by habit?) I would react by protecting the weaker sibling...  a recipe for jealousy!

They have different needs, different interests.  The challenge lies in how we as parents would embrace their differences and find balance.

Things I realized:
1.  AS (and even little SC) catches on what we do and not what we teach. Unknowingly or unconsciously, he probably hears us complain too.

2.  Change.  If I want to change somebody, I should start by changing myself.  This is one of the things I learned during our recent Holy Week Family Camp.  God is our hope for change; He can transform lives; just as He alone can wash away our sins, forgive us and make us new.  How can I do this?  Through prayer, and lots of it.

3.  Set one on one dates with my sons (and spouse) depending on their interests.  Quality time doesn't mean being in one room together yet doing things individually.  While they are still young and have different needs, this is something we can do for the meantime.  In this way, each of the boys will feel special and loved equally.  Of course, this does not mean we cannot do other things as a family.  

4. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. James 1:19  I should learn not to react quickly to every squabble.  Yes, being the mom-referee is not easy.

After all these, I must say that PRAYER is the key to keep our family from falling apart.

Before going to bed, I led him to the crib where SC was sleeping.  I asked him to look at his brother for a few minutes.  I asked him: "Do you love your brother?"

SC: "I love him!"

Is Heaven In The Clouds?

Two days ago, while I was reading the Book of Proverbs chapter 4, the Lord impressed upon me the importance of a father's role in raising his children.  It talks about a father's wise advice to his son.  A father is to instruct his child in the ways of the Lord that he may gain wisdom.

Many here in the Philippines believe, though it still remains a point of contention, that we are a matriarchal society; mothers tend to influence the family more than the fathers.  But the Bible is clear about a father's role as one who teaches and trains his child.

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them.  Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord." Eph. 6:4 NLT

I began to pray for DS that as the head of the family, he may be encouraged to teach, guide and influence AS more about loving and fearing God and that he be faithful in modelling Christ-like attitude in our son.

That night, as we were about to sleep, DS was lying in bed with AS.  All of a sudden, son asked dad, "Is heaven in the clouds?"

DS was surprised at the unexpected question but at the same time glad for AS's interest and curiosity. "It's not in the clouds; it's much higher than the clouds." DS replied.

Then came AS's series of follow-up questions.

AS: "Is it higher than the earth?"

DS: "Yes..."

AS: "Is it higher than the universe?"

DS: "Yes..."

AS: "So who can go there???

DS: "We can go there because we have already accepted Jesus in our lives as our Lord and Savior.."

AS: "How???"

DS: "Our spirit can go there but not our bodies.  Our bodies will be left here on earth.  Someday, when daddy becomes so old, he will die.  When we die, that's the time we go there."

AS began to feel upset and his eyes well up with tears as he said: "I don't want you to die...I love you..."  Who will take care of me when you and mommy are in heaven na??"

DS wanted to explain as truthfully as possible though also careful not to hurt AS's sensibilities.  "Even though we are in heaven, we will always be with you in your heart." came his reply.

AS was silent for a long time.  After quite a while, he suddenly said, "Daddy, I want to be the first one to go to heaven... or how about we both go to heaven together?"

DS, amused at AS's conclusion, said, " Only God knows what will happen to us son, whether who will go first.  But whoever will go there first, we will wait for each other... Because we have accepted Jesus in our hearts, we are sure to go to heaven and see each other there.

AS: "How about the others who don't accept Jesus?"

DS: "That's the sad thing, they cannot enter heaven without Jesus in their hearts.

Sighing heavily, contented AS said,  "Haaay, good thing I already accepted Jesus."

As parents, we are entrusted by God to care for our children.  We have very important roles to play.  These are not just providing for their physical and material needs but most importantly, for them to love God and to lead/train them up towards spiritual maturity.

During their conversation, I was at the other bed in the same room, hearing everything.  I cried tears of joy because of how God timely answered my prayer for DS to be present at a time when AS needs his teaching and guidance.